Because apparently, after years of learning how to prepare for the unexpected, we’re going to use those skills to grill 47 burgers in a parking lot.
There are people who go to a tailgate.
And then there are Veterans.
A Veteran doesn’t just show up with a folding chair and a bag of chips. A Veteran conducts a site assessment, establishes a perimeter, identifies the nearest restroom and somehow brings enough food to feed a platoon.
It’s not overkill.
It’s preparedness.
Football season is here, which means it’s time to dust off the grill, find your lucky team gear and turn an otherwise ordinary parking lot into a fully operational outdoor kitchen.
Whether you’re tailgating with friends, family or a group of people you met approximately 14 minutes ago because they support the same team, here’s your unofficial field guide to doing it like a Veteran.
1. Establish Your AO
AO = Area of Operations.
Translation:
Find your parking spot.
And no, you’re not just looking for a place to park.
You’re evaluating the terrain.
- How far is it from the stadium?
- Where are the bathrooms?
- Is there shade?
- Where is the wind coming from?
- Is the ground level enough for the grill?
- How close are the other tailgaters?
- How quickly can you get out if someone says, “Let’s leave before the traffic gets bad”?
You may have arrived four hours before kickoff.
Someone might ask:
“Why are we here so early?”
Because you don’t establish a forward operating base at kickoff.
2. Bring a Cooler
Then Bring Another Cooler
You started the morning thinking:
“I’ll just bring one cooler.”
Adorable.
Then you remembered you need drinks.
And food.
And ice.
And probably somewhere to put the potato salad.
Now you have:
Cooler #1: Drinks
Cooler #2: Food
Cooler #3: Backup drinks
Cooler #4: Things you weren’t sure needed to be refrigerated but weren’t willing to risk
Someone will eventually ask:
“Why do you have four coolers?”
You won’t know.
You don’t need to know.
The coolers have different missions.
3. The Grill Is Now Your Command Post
The moment you light the grill, something happens.
You become The Grill Person.
Nobody elected you.
Nobody appointed you.
It simply happened.
And suddenly everyone has questions.
“Are the burgers ready?”
No.
“What temperature is the chicken?”
You don’t know, but you’re about to check.
“Should we put these on?”
These?
You look over.
It’s 19 hot dogs.
Someone has just handed you 19 hot dogs.
Congratulations.
Your mission has expanded.
4. Never Run Out of Food
This is where Veteran logic really shines.
You are expecting six people.
You bring food for 14.
Someone says:
“That’s way too much food.”
No.
There is no such thing.
Because there will always be:
- The friend who brings a friend
- The neighbor who wanders over
- The kid who is somehow eating every 11 minutes
- The person who says, “I’m not hungry” and then eats three burgers
- The guy who forgot he was supposed to bring the wings
You will have leftovers.
That’s not a problem.
That’s tomorrow’s lunch.
5. The Folding Chair Has a Chain of Command
You have your chair.
It has a cup holder.
Maybe two.
It might have a little side pocket.
It might recline.
It might be the nicest chair you’ve ever owned.
And you know exactly where it goes.
Someone will sit in it while you’re gone.
You will return.
You will look at them.
They will look at you.
There will be a brief moment where neither person says anything.
Then they’ll say:
“Oh, is this yours?”
Yes, Brad.
It is.
6. Pack for Weather That Absolutely Wasn’t in the Forecast
The forecast:
74°. Sunny. Zero percent chance of rain.
Your truck:
- Jacket
- Rain jacket
- Hat
- Gloves
- Sunscreen
- Bug spray
- Extra socks
- Blanket
- Umbrella
Your friends:
“You brought an umbrella?”
You:
“Yep.”
Them:
“It’s not supposed to rain.”
You:
“Okay.”
Three hours later:
IT’S RAINING.
Nobody says anything.
You simply open the umbrella.
This is your Super Bowl.
7. Bring Three Flashlights
It’s noon.
The sun is shining.
You don’t need a flashlight.
You have three.
One is in your truck.
One is in the cooler.
One is clipped to your belt for reasons nobody understands.
Someone laughs.
“Why do you have a flashlight?”
You shrug.
Fast-forward to 8:47 p.m.
Someone:
“Does anybody have a flashlight?”
You slowly reach into your pocket.
“Yeah.”
No further explanation is necessary.
8. The Paracord Will Come in Handy
Will you actually need 37 feet of paracord?
Probably not.
Will you bring it?
Obviously.
Canopy needs securing?
Paracord.
Cooler needs tying down?
Paracord.
Something breaks?
Paracord.
Someone asks what it’s for?
You:
“You never know.”
And that’s the end of the conversation.
9. Know the Bathroom Situation
This is not glamorous.
It is, however, mission critical.
Before the first burger hits the grill, you need to know:
Where are the bathrooms?
Not approximately.
Not:
“I think they’re over there.”
You need to know.
You need a route.
You need a backup route.
And you need to know whether the line is going to be 4 minutes or 47 minutes.
This is basic reconnaissance.
10. Do Not Touch the Grill
This applies specifically to anyone who did not volunteer for grill duty.
You may offer encouragement.
You may bring the grill master a beverage.
You may ask whether they need anything.
You may absolutely not:
- Move the burgers
- Adjust the heat
- Flip the chicken
- Poke the steak
- “Just check something”
- Say, “My dad always puts them on high”
The grill master has accepted this responsibility.
Respect the chain of command.
11. Someone Will Become the Designated Football Expert
Every tailgate has one.
They know:
- Every team’s record
- Every quarterback’s stats
- Who needs to win
- Who needs to lose
- What the playoff picture looks like
- Why the coach should be fired
- Why the coach should absolutely not be fired
Nobody asked.
They are going to explain it anyway.
Just nod.
This person has been preparing for this moment since August.
12. Someone Will Forget Something
It’s inevitable.
“Did anyone bring ketchup?”
Silence.
“Who was supposed to bring the ketchup?”
More silence.
You open your storage bin.
Ketchup.
Mustard.
Relish.
Napkins.
Paper plates.
Trash bags.
Extra utensils.
You have everything.
You don’t say anything.
You just hand them the ketchup.
This is why we prepare.
13. The Emergency Supply Bin
Every Veteran needs one.
It may contain:
- Duct tape
- Batteries
- Zip ties
- Paper towels
- Wet wipes
- First-aid supplies
- Extra trash bags
- Phone charger
- Multi-tool
- Sunscreen
- Bug spray
- Snacks
Someone will ask:
“Why do you have all this?”
Because apparently you’ve forgotten what happened the last 37 times somebody said:
“We’ll be fine.”
14. Establish a Communications Plan
Someone will inevitably wander away.
They’re getting ice.
They’re meeting friends.
They’re going to the bathroom.
They’re “just going to look around.”
Twenty minutes later:
“Where are you guys?”
This is why you need a rally point.
A tree.
A sign.
A specific parking row.
A giant inflatable football.
Whatever works.
Because “We’re somewhere near the stadium” is not a communications plan.
15. Conduct a Post-Tailgate Inspection
Before leaving the AO:
☐ Grill secured
☐ Coolers recovered
☐ Chairs accounted for
☐ Trash collected
☐ Food packed
☐ Phones located
☐ Kids accounted for
☐ Keys located
☐ Nobody left a sweatshirt behind
☐ Nobody says, “Wait…where’s my…”
You will drive approximately 11 minutes.
Someone will say:
“I think we forgot something.”
You will turn around.
Because of course you will.
The Veteran Tailgate Packing List
Mission Essential
☐ Grill
☐ Cooler
☐ Backup cooler
☐ Folding chairs
☐ Canopy
☐ Food
☐ Drinks
☐ Ice
☐ Plates
☐ Napkins
☐ Trash bags
Strongly Recommended
☐ Sunscreen
☐ Bug spray
☐ Flashlight
☐ Backup flashlight
☐ Yet another flashlight
☐ First-aid kit
☐ Phone charger
☐ Duct tape
☐ Multi-tool
☐ Weather-appropriate clothing
Completely Unnecessary But You’re Bringing It Anyway
☐ 40 feet of paracord
☐ Emergency snacks
☐ Backup batteries
☐ Portable radio
☐ Something you haven’t used since 2014
☐ A tool specifically designed to solve a problem that probably won’t happen
Absolutely Mandatory
☐ The good chair
Signs Your Tailgate Has Become a Military Operation
1. You have a designated parking spot.
2. Someone has been assigned to bring ice.
3. There are multiple coolers.
4. You know exactly where the bathrooms are.
5. You have a flashlight in broad daylight.
6. Someone asks, “What’s the plan?”
7. You actually have a plan.
8. Nobody else knows the plan.
9. You’re somehow responsible for grilling.
10. Someone has asked you to fix something.
11. You fixed it.
12. Someone has called you “Chief” even though that isn’t your rank.
13. You have somehow acquired responsibility for six children who are not yours.
14. The phrase “better to have it and not need it” has been said at least twice.
15. You are having a fantastic time.
At the End of the Day, It’s Still Just a Tailgate
You don’t actually need four coolers.
You probably don’t need three flashlights.
You definitely don’t need 40 feet of paracord.
And that emergency supply bin?
It may be slightly excessive.
But that’s the thing.
After years of learning to plan ahead, stay flexible and be prepared for whatever comes next, it’s hard to turn that part of your brain off.
So if that means showing up to a football game with enough food for a small battalion, a weather contingency plan and a folding chair with lumbar support…
So be it.
You’re not overprepared.
You’re tailgate ready.
And when the grill is fired up, the game’s about to start and you’ve got good people around you?
Mission accomplished.
